The Dirty Santa gift exchange is “dirty” because the rules of the game require participants to steal each other’s gifts. There’s another meaning to the word, of course: titillating, naughty, related to sex, lewd, even obscene. No, you wouldn’t bring these naughty gag gifts to your office Christmas party, and you would also spare your family members from them. But they’re the best Dirty Santa gifts to spice up the Christmas gift exchange party with your friends.
A naughty White Elephant or Dirty Santa party is a great holiday activity for your group of favorite girlfriends, your Fantasy Football league, or perhaps your more liberal-minded friends.
Boobs: Breasts Make the Best Dirty Santa Gifts
Sexy Apron for Him and Her
Sexy Maid is one of the all-time most popular Halloween costumes and men’s fantasies (a chef wearing nothing but an apron is the nearest equivalent for women).
But why dress up if you can dress down? Why bother with so many pieces if you can wear just one?
Put on an apron with naughty bits sticking out and you will cook two meals with one pot. Both his and hers versions are available. Of course, if you want to be truly naughty, mix it up. Who doesn’t want to see a man wearing an apron with boobs or a woman with a dong at a Dirty Santa holiday gift exchange? Exactly. Buy these aprons for your next White Elephant party and get things cooking!
Boobie Beer Glass
If it isn’t obvious from his belly, Dirty Santa loves beer. And, being a dirty old man, he loves to drink it from a boobie-shaped glass. Poor guy, he rarely gets any anymore, so he seeks help wherever he can find it. What a boob.
(He drinks spirits from a more curvaceous shot glass, but the idea is the same: to get trashed.)
This gift is perfect for your boobie-loving, beer-drinking White Elephant gift exchange guests!
Breast Squeeze Ball
Squeezing a boob any time you want isn’t the brightest idea. Just ask Ben Affleck.
You can squeeze this breast squeeze ball not only any time but as many times as you want. It’s soft and rubbery and big, though perhaps NSFW even though the office is likely to be where you need it the most.
This take on the stress ball (stress boob, if you will) will liven up even the dullest Yankee Swap. You may find guests stealing like mad to get a chance at a grab. Watch out, this may lead to a drunken game of Boobyball, Dodgeboob, or even Capture the Boob.
Color Me Boobs
Coloring books for adults are all the rage, bringing grown-ass men and women back to their childhoods. The naughty ones among us will appreciate this boobs coloring book. Another way to de-stress with boobs! If you can’t get your hands on a pair of real boobs, at least you can color them on paper. Just stay between the lines.
Dirty Santa Loves ALL Butts and He Cannot Lie
3D Book of Butts
If two dimensions fail to satisfy your naughty cravings, the 3D Big Butt Book will come in handy. Quite literally: there’s nothing like browsing butts with 3D glasses and crossed legs while the rest of the party watches. We just know there is a butt man or woman on your Dirty Santa gift exchange list who will want to steal this book out of unsuspecting hands! No butts about it.
Farting Butt Bank
Who says saving isn’t fun? The person who doesn’t hear a fart every time they put a coin in their
butt piggy bank! The Farting Fanny Bank will show the humorless butts what it’s all a-butt. This gift is perfect for all the penny-pinching pervs in your White Elephant social circle. Bring this gift to your next White Elephant gift exchange, and we’ll bank on the party guests laughing their asses off.
Butt + Face = You and Everyone You Know
Step 1: Wash your face with a face soap and butt with a butt soap.
Step 2: Dry your face with a face towel and your butt with a butt towel.
That’s it. Now both your face and your butt are clean. If you don’t steal these gag Christmas gifts (best given as a set) at the next Dirty Santa gift exchange party, you’re a Butt Face.
See Dick Fun: Penis-Shaped Dirty Santa Gifts
Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Penis Pasta
The best Dirty Santa gifts, whether they’re naughty or nice, serve more than one purpose. Useful and fun is the name of the Dirty Santa game. So a gift that both elicit chuckles from the party and feeds it is just about ideal.
This is what Pecker Pasta does to a tee. They’ll laugh when they open the gift, they’ll roar when they eat the dish made with it, and they’ll pat their bellies (full of dicks) after they’re finished.
The upside of getting a box of pecker pasta at at a Yankee Swap holiday gift exchange: when someone tells you to “eat a bag of dicks,” you can oblige and lick your chops afterward. Winning!
Quit Bustin’ My Balls, Scratch ’em
Man has balls. Man’s balls itch. Man, whether he’s at a Dirty Santa party or at the office, resists the urge to shove his hand down there and scratch it. Man deploys a ball scratcher.
Wrapped in a tasteful package, this product may be called Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher, but you can use it to scratch anything within reach. As long as there’s an itch.
All Willie, All the Time
If penis pasta doesn’t sate your hunger, why not round the meal out with a penis-shaped fried egg and chocolates? This gift set comes (get it?) with fluffy handcuffs for some look-ma-no-hands couple action (copulation?).
Gift baskets are all the rage at holiday gift exchange parties. Penises are all the rage for dirty-minded Santas. Put two and two together and bring this assortment of penis-themed gifts to your next White Elephant gift exchange and watch the LOLs unfold.
The Rest of the Best Naughty Dirty Santa Gifts
Eff You, Rain! Middle Finger Umbrella
Do you know what Yankee Swap party guests hate more than a boring gift? The rain! For your next Yankee Swap, bring a gift that tell the rain how you really feel. Flip the rain off with this tell-all umbrella.
It can also be used to flip the bird to birds who think your head is their personal toilet. You can place it strategically in the window the next time your neighbor blocks your driveway. Need to nap on the subway? Prop this open umbrella on your seat and send a clear message.
Sexual Position Card Game
Sometimes you just want to give that special someone a hint, whether you’ve never “done it” or you’ve been “doing it” for a long time. With 50 positions to inspire your post-party shenanigans, you won’t go unsatisfied either way.
Whether it’s that newlywed couple from across the hall, or your friends Bob and Sherry who have been married for 30 years, or the Wilsons who are in their 70s, there’s bound to be plenty of White Elephant party guests who could use these cards, and would be willing to fight over them.
Porn for Women
It’s no secret that porn is directed to men. Only about 99.5 percent though. More and more porn is made with the woman in mind. Not that the women in your Dirty Santa gift exchange game for adults will throw themselves on the Porn for Women book but they’ll definitely want to see what’s inside.
Imagine their surprise when they open this book. It’s not the kind of “porn” that the title suggested! Psych!
Porn for New Moms,
Porn for the Working Woman, and Porn for Women of a Certain Age are also available.
Here Be Dragons: Among the Best Dirty Santa Gifts
This Dirty Santa gift could win you the award for the weirdest gift, get you blacklisted from your Aunt Lizzy’s Holiday gift exchange, or be the most coveted gift in the history of gift exchanges. Why bring a boring dud of a gift when you could bring a Dragon Sex Calendar.
That’s right. We said dragon sex. Dragons have sex too since they have to reproduce somehow. The problem is, no voyeur has seen them do it. Good thing there are imaginative artists to show us how dragons copulate and enterprising printers to put those fantasies on our walls.
The Dragon Sex Wall Calendar will indulge every nerd who just wants to see some dragon pr0n. Which is everyone, really.
Featured image by Dax Dover.